Christian Friendship

I have done a lot of thinking about “friendship” in recent years. I spent several hours last week reconnecting with an old friend from over 20 years ago who really was a friend, but unfortunately we moved and gradually we drifted apart. I asked him to forgive me for not being a better friend.

I, of course, have Ellen, the best friend anyone could ask for. I also have a few other friends from years past. But talking with Mike last week, I realized that I have just a few real friends.

My problem is not that I didn’t find good friends, but that I wasn’t a good friend. I should have been more interested in them, in the things that give them life, their families, their occupations, the books they were reading, their passions and struggles. I should have been more forgiving and less judgmental. I should have been less concerned about me – my status, my security, my position, how I could benefit from their friendship – and, simply, more concerned about them. I also recognize in myself a self-protection mechanism that I have built to minimize the hurts and betrayals of being human. Instead of dealing with them in more healthy ways, my tendency is to keep friends at arm’s-length.

Steve Brown, quoting a friend, says: “By nature Christians are the most forgiving, understanding, and thoughtful group of people I’ve ever dealt with. They never assume the worst. They appreciate the importance of having different perspectives. They’re slow to anger, quick to forgive, and almost never make rash judgments or act in anything less than a spirit of love . . . no wait! I was thinking of Labrador retrievers!”

Maybe the most powerful exposition of Christian friendship ever written is On Spiritual Friendship by Aelred of Rievaulx. Aelred was the abbot of the English Cistercian Abbey of Rievaulx (1147-1167). He wrote based on conversations he had with three of his monks. In this classic he refers to a friend as “a guardian of love” and of friendship as a “microcosmic image of what we will discover eternally in God.” In every true friend, Aelred wrote to Ivo, a young friend, there are three persons involved: “Here we are, you and I, and I hope a third, Christ, in our midst . . . A truly loyal friend sees nothing in his/her friend but their heart.”

A real friend wants the best for you and is willing to sacrifice to make it happen. He trusts you and is patient and kind, keeping no record of wrongs. A friend genuinely cares and is willing to speak a hard word to you if that’s what will help you. He goes a long way – a very long way – before he realizes there is no reciprocal response (and therefore no friendship).

I’m sure God is trying to teach me this: that to have spiritual friends I need to be a spiritual friend. Aelred was once berated and chastised by someone in front of the king. When the lashing was over, instead of responding defensively or making excuses, Aelred thanked the man profusely for speaking the truth and helping him grow in areas where he obviously needed to grow. The man was so taken aback with Aelred’s humility and teachable spirit, they became fast friends.