Biblical Reflections on Marriage

The gospel readings from the lectionary this fall follow Mark’s story of Jesus’ journey to Jerusalem, where he will suffer, die, and be raised. The reading assigned for this Sunday is Mark 10:2-12, which focuses on marriage and divorce. Since we will use the sermon time this Sunday for our instructed Eucharist, I’d like to offer a few reflections on this important passage in writing.

The passage begins with a question for Jesus. The Pharisees, who emerge in Mark as Jesus’ chief opponents, ask the question, and the purpose of the question is to “test” him. The question, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?” was commonly asked to Jewish Rabbis in the first century, so it shouldn’t come as a surprise that Jesus would be asked such a question. Jesus, as he almost always does, answers the question with a question. He says, “What did Moses command you?” In other words, what does the Bible say? Their answer is revealing: “Moses allowed a man to write a certificate of dismissal and to divorce her.” The Pharisees are quoting from Deuteronomy 24, in which Moses states that a man may divorce his wife if he has found some “indecency” in her. The question for interpreters of this passage, then, becomes, “What does ‘indecency’ mean?” At the time of Jesus there were two main interpretations of this passage. One interpretation, associated with the Rabbi Hillel, suggested that a man could divorce his wife for almost any reason, including burning a meal. The other, however, associated with the Rabbi Shammai, was much more restrictive, limiting acceptable reasons for divorce to just a few, most notably infidelity.

It could be that the Pharisees were genuinely interested in Jesus’ position on the issue, but, because the text says they asked him the question to “test” him, it is much more likely they were trying to force Jesus to take a side in a contentious debate, thus putting him in a certain “camp.” In answering their question with a question of his own, though, Jesus is refusing to be put into a box, instead forcing the Pharisees to declare their own understanding of the issue from scripture. Once they’ve answered, Jesus is able to respond, observing that, basically, they’ve avoided his question. Jesus’ question was, “What did Moses command?” but the Pharisees’ answered with what Moses permitted.

Jesus then takes the Pharisees back to Genesis 2, (which, according to tradition, was also written by Moses), in which God did, in fact, command: “A man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” The command of Moses, then, regarding marriage, is for a husband to leave his parents to become one flesh with his wife. Jesus’ conclusion is that, if God has joined a man and a woman into one flesh, a human being ought not to separate them. So, while Moses permitted divorce, he certainly didn’t command it. The permission was only given because of the people’s hard hearts. The command of Moses regarding marriage was for the man to leave his parents and become one flesh with his wife.

In this, Jesus is declaring himself to be on the “restrictive” end of the spectrum regarding divorce. But since his response is rooted in Genesis 2, which gives God’s creative intention for marriage, rather than Deuteronomy 24, which gives concessions based on human sinfulness, it is hard to argue with him. And it seems that the Pharisees didn’t argue with him; they simply began to ask him questions on other controversial topics, still “testing” him, hoping to find some fault with him.

Now, how should we, as Christians, respond to this text, living as we do in a culture that has a radically different understanding of marriage? First, I believe that it is essential to affirm that, according to these passages – both Genesis 2 and Mark 10 –God’s intention for marriage is clear: a lifelong union between a man and a woman. Second, it is also necessary to admit that, when Jesus was talking to hard-hearted people, he was talking to people like us. In other words, because of human sin, God’s intention for marriage is difficult to realize, and many, for all sorts of reasons, simply fail. In fact, if we take Jesus seriously when he says that if men lust after a woman, we commit adultery; most every man has indeed failed to live God’s intention for marriage. This leaves us in a seemingly impossible place: on one hand we must affirm God’s vision for marriage, calling all people to it, yet on the other hand we must also acknowledge that people fail to realize God’s vision because of their sin.

What does it look like for us to live faithfully with this tension? In The Moral Vision of the New Testament, Richard Hays observes that Mark includes Jesus’ teaching on marriage and divorce in a series of teachings on the nature of discipleship. Living faithfully as a husband or a wife is intimately connected to living faithfully as a disciple of Jesus, and living faithfully as a disciple of Jesus involves denying oneself, taking up the cross, and following him. The catch, though, is that because of our sin, we can’t deny ourselves, take up our crosses, and follow him. So where does this leave us?

We are left in desperate need of God’s grace. Fortunately, Jesus took up his cross in such a way that, in his cross, we not only see the depth of our own sin, but even more we see the love and power of God. I can take up my cross and follow Jesus because he took up his cross, died for my sins, and then rose again in triumph, pouring his Spirit into my heart. In order both to affirm without compromise the historic Christian understanding of marriage and to welcome without judgment those who have fallen, and continue to fall, short of it, we must be rooted Jesus’ self-giving act of holy love.

There are myriad questions that could (and should) be asked as the church grapples with how best to approach marriage within the life of our congregation. But for now I’d like to make three observations. First, as a Christian community living in a context in which marriage is understood as something quite different than a lifelong union between a man and a woman characterized by sacrificial love, how we talk about marriage is incredibly complicated. Increasingly, I believe that we will need to make a clear distinction between legal, civic marriage and Christian marriage. Understanding and practicing marriage as a Christian sacrament is helpful in this regard, as doing so forces us to connect marriage to the life of Christian discipleship, a life of self-giving, sacrificial love, in a way that in previous generations would have been easier to avoid. To that end, providing regular teaching on Christian marriage – both theological and practical – as well as mentoring, pastoral counseling, and referrals to Christian marriage and family therapists when appropriate, will become part of our culture at Christ Church.

Second, it is essential that we offer radical welcome to any who come to us having been divorced, or, as sometimes happens, are in the midst of a divorce. Divorce is not an unforgivable sin, and healing from a divorce, which will almost always include a complicated mix of forgiveness, confession, and repentance, is best done in the midst of a loving, welcoming community of others who have acknowledged their own profound need of grace.

Finally, I believe that it is essential to support all single people – whether divorced, widowed, gays or lesbians seeking to live celibately, or those who would love to be married but simply haven’t met the right person – recognizing that, while we seek to build a culture of healthy marriages, it is easy for single people, whose need for intimacy is every bit as real as a married person’s, to fall through the cracks. Small groups comprised of both married and single people of every age, encouraging married couples to include single people in their family life, and, as Wes Hill encouraged us in May, recovering and supporting the ancient Christian practice of friendship, will all be essential if we are to embody and reflect the gospel.

This summer’s Supreme Court decision significantly changed the legal definition of marriage in our country, and the extent of its consequences is yet to be felt. I believe that the church’s best response is to reaffirm the clear biblical teaching regarding marriage, recasting marriage as a sacrament, thus intimately connected to our life of discipleship. While we do this, we must make welcome, pastoral care, healing, and forgiveness for those who have been divorced a priority, as well as take intentional steps to make single people integral to the life of our congregation. None of this is possible, of course, apart from the gospel, to which we must always be called back, finding forgiveness, healing, and hope in the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus. It is from this place that we can live the radical life of Christian discipleship, a life of giving and receiving grace, which is, of course, the best thing we can offer anyone.

Painting: “The Arnolfini Marriage” (detail) by Jan van Eyck, c. 1434, oil on oak panel of 3 vertical boards, National Gallery, London